The Fall of RGIII

****** As Published in RVA Mag ****** What a ride, R-Words.  The benching of RGIII signals the end of the roller coaster, a sudden stop that jolts our upper bodies forward over the waist harness.  Our hair is frazzled, our eyes are wide, and we left our stomachs at the top of one of those drops behind …

Griffin Gets New R-Word Name: Sitting Duck

**** As published in RVA Mag **** [WARNING: I will be using the term "R-Words" throughout this article because I have no idea what's right anymore] The term "bye week" evidently originated in cricket.  It's a moment in the game where the "batsman," which is the name I think Batman must go by in England, can …

Griffin Peacocks, Lays Egg

***** As published in RVA Mag ***** [WARNING: I will be using the term "R-Words" throughout this article because I have no idea what's right anymore] R-Words players in suits filed onto the two team buses in the Minneapolis morning chill.  Police squad cars bracketed the proud caravan escorting the Burgundy and Gold to their next …

Verily, Verily, Griffin Will Return

"He won't eat his dinner," Tanya Snyder said to her husband, Dan, as he walked into the Snyder manor front door. "How was he with his tutors?" Dan asked, pushing his glasses up onto his nose and crossing his arms. Tanya's head tilted toward Dan, her eyes staring at him bleakly.  Apparently, it hadn't gone …

Hell to the R-Words

***As published in RVA Mag*** [WARNING: I will be using the term "R-Words" throughout this article because I have no idea what's right anymore] Kirk Cousins walked a little slower than normal into the R-Words facility, his head bouncing back and forth from one side of his chest to the other.  On his way in, he kicked …

Top 16 Reasons Why the R-Words Are Terrible

The R-Words are 1-5, and dipping back into last season, have lost 18 of their last 22 games.  Winning only four games over the last two seasons is the worst record of any NFL team.  Luckily, misery has company.  The Raiders and Jaguars have also only won four.  This is a hilarious statistic.  Seriously, laugh. …

To Scramble, You’ve Got to Break Some Legs

"Just a cup of coffee, please," Robert Griffin III told the waitress behind the bar.  He eased his broken body onto the bar stool at the Washington D.C. breakfast diner, but he wasn't hungry.  He had slept poorly the night before after watching his Washington R-Words fall to the Seattle Seahawks, yet again.  He couldn't break his …

Captain’s Log Stinks So Bad, Fans Leave Early

"He's ready for you," said a suited, serious man, holding the door barely ajar which read: Dan Snyder, Owner. "But it's so dark in there," responded Robert Griffin III, pointing with his right crutch. A broken, cackling laughter emerged from the seemingly pitch black room.  The disturbing sound was then consumed by the erupting cheering of …

Kirk to Bridge: I’m the Captain Now

[WARNING: I will be using the term "R-Words" throughout this article because I have no idea what's right anymore] Extra large R-Words defensive tackle, Chris Baker, stood pat.  He had done his job, caused pressure to the quarterback, and now was awaiting the result of Nick Foles' downfield pass.  It was the beginning of the …

Griffin Attempts to Turn Clock Back, Hurts Self Again

[WARNING: I will be using the term "R-Words" throughout this article because I have no idea what's right anymore] "Baylor statue, these clock hands are huge!" said Robert.  Everyone knows RGIII always says, "Baylor statue," when he's frustrated, so no one below flinched.  Granted, they were hundreds of feet below.  No one probably heard the 2012 …