Don’t you think the Devil would be settling if Pat Robertson turned out to be the Anti-Christ? Now, I’m not saying that Pat Robertson is evil. Suggesting that there’s a slight chance he’s the Anti-Christ might seem to imply that, but if you’re offended, here’s the important thing to know: everyone’s a suspect. You. Me. The guy who bags your groceries. Taylor Swift. Definitely Pat Robertson. I’m sorry; did Taylor Swift throw you off? Is it because she looked so adorable in that music video holding up oversized sharpie notes through her neighbor’s window, or is it because she’s a female? I daresay that after all the progress women have made in our society, you ladies have definitely put yourselves in the running. And let’s not forget about the evil cheerleader in that music video with the dark hair, dirty looks, and revealing red dress; that was Taylor, too, after the Devil got a hold of her. Women have more power now than ever, and not just the sex-withholding kind. And if there’s anything we know about the Anti-Christ, it’s that he or she will be attractive and will eventually be a powerful person, probably ruling the world. As surely as pangea split into our known continents eons ago, all of our hundreds of governments will eventually meld into one, creating a unilateral political structure whose only fear would be alien invasion. And even in that case, you’d have to think that our government will be so agreeable and attractive that the extra-terrestrials will want to cancel the invasion after first look and just join up. The Anti-Christ might even offer to put an alien in his cabinet in an attempt to reach across the inter-galactic proverbial aisle. Of course, he surely won’t be heeding his cabinet’s advice, especially not from no slimy alien, but it will merely exist to make the Anti-Christ laugh, much like court jesters. “Do a dance!” he’ll say while lighting his pipe with the fire that comes from his forefinger, and, by God, they will.
I’m curious to know how “anti” this christ will actually be. Is he or she supposed to be the opposite of Jesus-Christ, kind of like how Bizarro is the opposite of Superman? If you’re not familiar with Bizarro, just know that he comes from Bizarro World, a cube-shaped planet, where there are Bizarro versions of everyone: Superman, Lois Lane, you, and even a Batzarro (the world’s worst detective). If so, we know Jesus-Christ was bearded, wore a raggedy outfit, and hung out with a rag-tag gang of underachievers, blue-collar workers, and white-collar misers. The Anti-Christ will probably wear a slim-fitting power suit, will spend a lot of time at the gym in a cut-off t-shirt (different from a tank top), and will be closely shadowed by members of the Cobra Kai from The Karate Kid at all times. And I wasn’t just talking about the male version. I can tell you one thing that’ll carry over from Jesus-Christ to the Anti-Christ: his or her first miracle will definitely be turning water into wine. All night. His or her parties are going to be epic, and you’ll definitely want to be invited and most likely will be invited because he or she will want to entice you to the dark side. The Anti-Christ might even take a page out of the Gnostic gospel of Thomas and make clay birds and turn them into real birds, tossing them into the air to flutter away like a true showman. If things go south for the Anti-Christ financially, he or she might have to resort to performing this miracle at children’s parties.
So, who is it? That’s the question we should be asking everyday. If this article hasn’t risen your threat level to orange, it’s time to let the paranoia set in. The only people the Anti-Christ is afraid of are Christians, and there’s only one surefire weapon we Christians wield that can be used to identify the Anti-Christ and take him down: mass emails. Much like how a vampire cringes at the sight of a cross or the stench of garlic, the Anti-Christ’s kryptonite is a mass-forwarded email. Just the other day I got an email about President Obama being the Anti-Christ. Great job, everyone. Obama fits the bill: he’s the president of the most powerful country in the world; he’s attractive, speaks well, and he’s the opposite of Jesus in skin color and abortion stance. But it’s too easy. He fits a little too well. You have to think the Devil is a little smarter than that. That’s why I brought up Pat Robertson. Though I think he’s a little old, it might be a great way for the Devil to stick it to God by commandeering the huge Christian viewership for The 700 Club. Not to mention Mr. Robertson’s intense desire to assassinate Hugo Chavez… personally. I like to imagine that, since the US government hasn’t heeded his advice, he’s taking things into his own hands now, spending his nights practicing his assassination techniques in his Virginia mansion, trying to break into his own home with a black stealth costume after hours, telling his assistants to attack him at random times, and working himself to death in the weight room, just biding his time. He might seem to be leaning towards senility these days with some of the things he says, but I think it might just be lack of sleep. There’s one thing we can learn from Pat Robertson: vigilance. The Anti-Christ is out there somewhere, right now, just biding his or her time. It’s time to gird your loins.